Monday, February 22, 2010

Those times...

Do you ever have those times in your life where you just think - I can't do it anymore. I can't go on this way. I can't function under these circumstances any longer.

I do.

And it's what I'm dealing with right now. There is nothing specifically wrong. There is nothing for me to point my finger at and say - yes, this is the problem and if I just did/didn't have that, life would be fine. Because I don't think any of it, really, is about what's going on around me. Sure, life isn't easy right now, but when I really stop and think about it, it's not about all of that. It's about me.

That sounds really self absorbed, doesn't it?

The past week or so, I feel like I've been dragging my family down with me and it's not ok to do that. I've been short tempered, morose, abrupt, moody, and just generally not a fun person to be around. I didn't major in theatre without reason - I'm able to put on the smile and do what I need to do in public . . . but it's exhausting to keep pretending that I'm ok when clearly I am not.

What bothers me most of all is not being able to figure out what it is that has me so suddenly in this mood. I cry at the drop of a hat - or have the desire to anyway. I mean, STUPID things that normally I might feel sad about, but now I'm like - woah, what's with the waterworks, lady? Like I was watching Intervention (WHY?? I don't know - I couldn't sleep) and this mom was sitting there drinking herself stupid in front of her little girl. Made me so mad. And sad. And I nearly cried for that little girl. Ok, seriously? I don't do that. Sure, I might be like - argh, punk mom get it together for you kid - but nearly crying?!?! No. That's not me.

Then there is the insomnia. And the anxiety. Which causes the insomnia. But why? What am I so anxious about? Why can't my brain shut off and let me sleep. Wow, I love sleep. Sleep used to be like - yeah, whatever . . . but now I SOOOO cherish my sleep. And it is elusive. And, here's the fun part, when I don't get my sleep, I am GRUMPY. Like, ridiculously grumpy. And I don't feel I have control over my emotions when I'm that grumpy. So that leads to the mood I was discussing earlier. It's like a vicious cycle. And it's lame. And that could explain the crying every 3.2 seconds.

My point is, I'm very tired. I hate complaining about life because I know things could be so much worse. There are so many good and wonderful things I have in my life. But I'm just going through one of those times. Ya know? I'd say I need a vacation, but I just did that in January. Maybe what I need is a kick in the hind quarters.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Sometimes you just gotta do it . . .

Just for grins and giggles, I entered Caroline in a contest a while back. Her pic finally showed up on one of my random searches:

She might not be the winner of it all, but she'll always be my beautiful baby girl.

The last few days have been rather emotionally charged for me and I'm still feeling it. So that's all I've got for today.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Time Keeps Ticking

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted in my blog. I used to be such an avid blogger . . . then I had a baby for the first time in a decade and my life has been a whirlwind of insanity ever since! I'm not going to make any promises about updates, but I'm going to try to be more diligent. It may help when I get my camera back. I left it in DC in January at my friend's house and it is supposed to be headed my direction this week. I hope all the storms haven't held it up for too long!

So what's been going on?

Let's see - I spent a majority of January out of town - first in Colorado for an amazingly awesome reunion with my college roomies, then off to DC to visit friends and help one of them organize and declutter before she drags too much across the ocean on her move to Paris. I returned home just in time to celebrate my birthday with a fun little party and run an activity for the kids at our church (aka Primary Quarterly Activity). That pretty well sums up January.

Last weekend I took Alan (for his birthday) downtown for an overnight stay at the Marriott as well as dinner at Macaroni Grill and a fancy pants breakfast at the hotel. We wandered around downtown at Pioneer Place Mall and then headed up to Powell's - the coolest bookstore ever. It was a wonderful little get away with my sweetheart and one of my best birthday present ideas, if I do say so myself.

Things have been busy around these parts with a toddler who definitely enjoys attention and a tween who has plenty of homework, plus piano, scouts, basketball, and now the knowledge bowl. Plus we have a commuting husband and a mommy who has lots of cooking, cleaning, and errands to run. There isn't much time to be on the computer these days . . . .

Ok, the toddler is losing it. Time to go!