Do you ever have those times in your life where you just think - I can't do it anymore. I can't go on this way. I can't function under these circumstances any longer.
I do.
And it's what I'm dealing with right now. There is nothing specifically wrong. There is nothing for me to point my finger at and say - yes, this is the problem and if I just did/didn't have that, life would be fine. Because I don't think any of it, really, is about what's going on around me. Sure, life isn't easy right now, but when I really stop and think about it, it's not about all of that. It's about me.
That sounds really self absorbed, doesn't it?
The past week or so, I feel like I've been dragging my family down with me and it's not ok to do that. I've been short tempered, morose, abrupt, moody, and just generally not a fun person to be around. I didn't major in theatre without reason - I'm able to put on the smile and do what I need to do in public . . . but it's exhausting to keep pretending that I'm ok when clearly I am not.
What bothers me most of all is not being able to figure out what it is that has me so suddenly in this mood. I cry at the drop of a hat - or have the desire to anyway. I mean, STUPID things that normally I might feel sad about, but now I'm like - woah, what's with the waterworks, lady? Like I was watching Intervention (WHY?? I don't know - I couldn't sleep) and this mom was sitting there drinking herself stupid in front of her little girl. Made me so mad. And sad. And I nearly cried for that little girl. Ok, seriously? I don't do that. Sure, I might be like - argh, punk mom get it together for you kid - but nearly crying?!?! No. That's not me.
Then there is the insomnia. And the anxiety. Which causes the insomnia. But why? What am I so anxious about? Why can't my brain shut off and let me sleep. Wow, I love sleep. Sleep used to be like - yeah, whatever . . . but now I SOOOO cherish my sleep. And it is elusive. And, here's the fun part, when I don't get my sleep, I am GRUMPY. Like, ridiculously grumpy. And I don't feel I have control over my emotions when I'm that grumpy. So that leads to the mood I was discussing earlier. It's like a vicious cycle. And it's lame. And that could explain the crying every 3.2 seconds.
My point is, I'm very tired. I hate complaining about life because I know things could be so much worse. There are so many good and wonderful things I have in my life. But I'm just going through one of those times. Ya know? I'd say I need a vacation, but I just did that in January. Maybe what I need is a kick in the hind quarters.
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6 comments:
Bring your darling child over to me. I'll make you a sandwich and then you can go home, take a nap, and I'll watch her for the rest of the day. I dare you to take me up on it.
Don't forget prayer and taking a walk in the sunshine always helps.
Hope you are able to find the light soon.
Shanae it sounds like you need to visit your dr. Maybe you have hormone levels that are off or are dealing with a type of depression that is just creeping in. Don't feel bad about it, but don't lay around and wait for it to get better. Asking for help is the best thing you could do! I would ask Al for a blessing as well! Hope skies are blue again soon for ya! Let us know if there is anything we can do for ya! **hugs**
Maybe you need a happy pill! (jk)
I'm sorry life is sucky right now. I hate that. I hope you can find the source or move on or fix it or whatever it is that needs to happen. And soon. Pray?
Sorry you are having one of those times. Hope you figure out how to pull out of it. Just think of me and it should make you smile. Call if you need to...I am just sitting around nursing a baby every two hours.
I'm sorry, Shanae. Sleep deprivation is awful by itself. Adding anxiety to it makes it all the less fun. I hope letting go of the book club helps you get some more sleep. I'm sorry it was pulling at you in a bad way. NO GUILT. None. Thanks for letting me help where I could. :)
:-( It's times like this that I wish we lived closer.
And yes, sometimes I do feel bleah, and weepy and completely stressed out, yet also completely unmotivated to get anything done. Outside stress is just too much. I don't know exactly how you're feeling, but you do seem in a bit of a rut. I think definitely you have a combo of outside stresses going on and it's affecting you a lot, and I hope some of it goes away soon. literally. ((Hugs))
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