Those times...

Do you ever have those times in your life where you just think - I can't do it anymore. I can't go on this way. I can't function under these circumstances any longer.

I do.

And it's what I'm dealing with right now. There is nothing specifically wrong. There is nothing for me to point my finger at and say - yes, this is the problem and if I just did/didn't have that, life would be fine. Because I don't think any of it, really, is about what's going on around me. Sure, life isn't easy right now, but when I really stop and think about it, it's not about all of that. It's about me.

That sounds really self absorbed, doesn't it?

The past week or so, I feel like I've been dragging my family down with me and it's not ok to do that. I've been short tempered, morose, abrupt, moody, and just generally not a fun person to be around. I didn't major in theatre without reason - I'm able to put on the smile and do what I need to do in public . . . but it's exhausting to keep pretending that I'm ok when clearly I am not.

What bothers me most of all is not being able to figure out what it is that has me so suddenly in this mood. I cry at the drop of a hat - or have the desire to anyway. I mean, STUPID things that normally I might feel sad about, but now I'm like - woah, what's with the waterworks, lady? Like I was watching Intervention (WHY?? I don't know - I couldn't sleep) and this mom was sitting there drinking herself stupid in front of her little girl. Made me so mad. And sad. And I nearly cried for that little girl. Ok, seriously? I don't do that. Sure, I might be like - argh, punk mom get it together for you kid - but nearly crying?!?! No. That's not me.

Then there is the insomnia. And the anxiety. Which causes the insomnia. But why? What am I so anxious about? Why can't my brain shut off and let me sleep. Wow, I love sleep. Sleep used to be like - yeah, whatever . . . but now I SOOOO cherish my sleep. And it is elusive. And, here's the fun part, when I don't get my sleep, I am GRUMPY. Like, ridiculously grumpy. And I don't feel I have control over my emotions when I'm that grumpy. So that leads to the mood I was discussing earlier. It's like a vicious cycle. And it's lame. And that could explain the crying every 3.2 seconds.

My point is, I'm very tired. I hate complaining about life because I know things could be so much worse. There are so many good and wonderful things I have in my life. But I'm just going through one of those times. Ya know? I'd say I need a vacation, but I just did that in January. Maybe what I need is a kick in the hind quarters.

Sometimes you just gotta do it . . .

Just for grins and giggles, I entered Caroline in a contest a while back. Her pic finally showed up on one of my random searches:



She might not be the winner of it all, but she'll always be my beautiful baby girl.

The last few days have been rather emotionally charged for me and I'm still feeling it. So that's all I've got for today.

Time Keeps Ticking

I can't believe how long it has been since I posted in my blog. I used to be such an avid blogger . . . then I had a baby for the first time in a decade and my life has been a whirlwind of insanity ever since! I'm not going to make any promises about updates, but I'm going to try to be more diligent. It may help when I get my camera back. I left it in DC in January at my friend's house and it is supposed to be headed my direction this week. I hope all the storms haven't held it up for too long!

So what's been going on?

Let's see - I spent a majority of January out of town - first in Colorado for an amazingly awesome reunion with my college roomies, then off to DC to visit friends and help one of them organize and declutter before she drags too much across the ocean on her move to Paris. I returned home just in time to celebrate my birthday with a fun little party and run an activity for the kids at our church (aka Primary Quarterly Activity). That pretty well sums up January.

Last weekend I took Alan (for his birthday) downtown for an overnight stay at the Marriott as well as dinner at Macaroni Grill and a fancy pants breakfast at the hotel. We wandered around downtown at Pioneer Place Mall and then headed up to Powell's - the coolest bookstore ever. It was a wonderful little get away with my sweetheart and one of my best birthday present ideas, if I do say so myself.

Things have been busy around these parts with a toddler who definitely enjoys attention and a tween who has plenty of homework, plus piano, scouts, basketball, and now the knowledge bowl. Plus we have a commuting husband and a mommy who has lots of cooking, cleaning, and errands to run. There isn't much time to be on the computer these days . . . .

Ok, the toddler is losing it. Time to go!

Not Dead

I thought I'd squelch the rumors about my untimely death by finally updating my blog. What's been going on? Well let me explain. No, there is too much to explain. Let me sum up.

November - Adjusting to thyroid meds, celebrating a birthday for our ONE year old(!!!), putting together an activity for the Primary kids at church (ages 3 - 11), packing up for a trip to Utah for Thanksgiving, insanity of a drive to Utah, one week in Utah with family, less insane (but still insane) drive home from Utah, Christmas shopping (mostly online, thank goodness), and being sick.

December (so far) - Being sick, helping Soren finish a handful of big projects for school, getting ready for the new year in Primary, watching all 3 season of The IT Crowd, chasing an almost walker around the house, being in charge of Sharing Time for Primary all month, continuing to get ready for Christmas (almost done with that), Church Christmas party, and grocery shopping.

Why no pictures? Hmmm... let me see if I can fix that.









Sorry I've got nothing with Soren . . . . the camera has been hiding out lately. I'll need to pull it out soon!

Ok, that's all I've got time for right now. I have a baby who is refusing to nap and a son home from school because his school is out of heat. They need me!

One nap a day? Not on purpose.

Caroline has only been getting one nap a day lately. Yeah, she's almost a year old - but I swear Soren was much older when he gave up his morning nap and we settled on a nice long afternoon slumber. But I have to keep reminding myself that Soren and Caroline, while related, are definitely opposites in many ways.

Really the problem is that I over schedule my mornings. I always assume I will have more time than I do to get done what is needed. But usually by the time we are all ready for the day, it is probably time for Caroline to go down for a nap. However, I still have to do grocery shopping, doctor's appointments, meetings, and other random errands. Some of these things are non-negotiable morning activities. Others are things I need to know I will get done before afternoon activities hit. Twice a week I babysit in the afternoons and then there is the time crunch on the other days to make sure I'm home before Soren is back from school. Anyway - it all gets stressful and messy so I just give up on the afternoons and try to pack my mornings. Which is probably stupid judging from the afternoon meltdowns Caroline has been having recently. And her continued refusal to eat like a person. Add that to trying to wean her off her bottle and our days are an adventure. And very exhausting.

I must be getting old. Or I'm just out of practice with this whole baby thing. Someone remind me why I want to do it all again? Hahaha!

Oh yeah. Cuz these little creatures are so stinkin' cute!!!

Halloween 2009

For those of you who don't know, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. It's right up there with St. Patrick's Day and Christmas. In fact, those are my top 3 - in no particular order. So I decorate the house and we celebrate frequently during October. Last year I was in the hospital the last few days leading up to Halloween and most of the day of Halloween. I was also on bed rest when I returned home in the late afternoon of Halloween day, so basically my celebrations were pretty lousy last year. I didn't even get to go to our church Halloween party! SO depressing!!! Well, this year I think I more than made up for it. Here's a run down of our Halloween celebrations!

Picture heavy post below!

Our Halloween Feast looked like this:



We had dinner in a pumpkin:



Homemade Root Beer:



(with dry ice and in a cauldron - of course!)

And for dessert (like anyone needs dessert on Halloween), we had Frank:



We turned off the lights and enjoyed a dark, spooky dinner by candlelight:



And not just any candles - bloody candles and bone candles:



Afterwards we had a mess on our hands - poor Mr. Pumpkin!:



But this pumpkin was more than pleased with how things went:



We then put out our pumpkins! I painted my pumpkin - Frankenstein - and Caroline put together one of her favorite things in the world - a Kitty!



Soren and Daddy decided a puking pumpkin was apropos (they are boys after all):



But kept the cute by adding an adorable monkey to the other side of the vomit:



While Papa decided to carve a scary pumpkin (the picture does not do it justice!)!



And then, of course, there were the costumes and Trick or Treating! We have Snoopy, Woodstock, and Charlie Brown.



Unfortunately, Frieda was not able to join them this year. That's because mommy was more concerned with everyone else being dressed up and forgot about herself! Loser!!! I did wear an orange shirt that said Trick or Treat on it, though. Do I get points for that?

Overall it was an awesome Halloween! We are already making plans for next year and I couldn't be more excited! Well, maybe I could. We'll see.

Another Illness

Last week Caroline had a cold according to the doctor (not my normal doctor, she wasn't in that day). She seemed pretty pleasant most of the week, just sniffly and goopy and snotty and a little less nappy than usual, but not unbearably unpleasant. Until Friday night/Saturday morning. She was really cranky, wouldn't eat solids, and was just kinda being a punk. She wanted me to hold her alllllllll the time. I mean, I love her, but seriously. Saturday afternoon/evening the fever started. By Sunday afternoon, she had goop dripping out of her ears. Ok, I know that sounds gross, but there it is. My assumption by that point was that her ear drum had ruptured. Again. And after another appointment this morning, I was right. She also had an infection in the other ear and her eye was still ooozing junk. So we have antibiotics for her now (thank goodness) and she's out for the count after kind of eating some baby food and some banana. Oh, and drinking a bottle.

In one month she will be ONE and I really don't want her to be using a bottle. Blech. I'm not holding my breath on that one, though. We're still struggling with the cup. She is offended when I try to offer her anything in it for the most part. Every so often she'll take water or juice. But heaven forbid I put formula of any kind in it. She gives me this look like - MOTHER HOW COULD YOU!?!?!?! It's funny, but annoying. Kind of like repeated ruptured ear drums. Annoying, but not funny. See, I said KIND OF LIKE, not totally like.

The good news (after that random tangent) is that now I have instructions on when to bring her in if this happens again. So hopefully we'll be able to avoid another rupture. Apparently Caroline is one of those kids who goes from yuck I don't feel so good to MY EAR IS BLOWING UP in about 2 seconds. So I have to watch her close and monitor her temperature and all of that. Good times. Right now the doctor is not worried about damage to her hearing or anything, but we have to watch things closely so it doesn't get that far.

I think that is about all I have energy for today. I'm hoping that in 5-7 days my new (old) thyroid medication will kick in so I can start feeling human once more. You see, to make a long story short, my old thyroid meds are on some crazy conspiracy theory worthy backorder so I ran out and my doc prescribed something new which was HORRIBLE and made me feel like I'd been hit by a truck daily so I called around and found a pharmacy about 20 minutes away on the other side of the river that actually has my old medication so I got a new prescription for it and now I have my new-old medication again and am waiting for my body to feel the love. Was that a short enough version?

Anyway, I'm alive. The kids are alive. The spouse is alive. We are getting through things one day at a time. Mainly because that's about all I can handle focusing on at this point.